Post-Thesis Defense Thoughts #phd
One week after my thesis defense, and I still grapple with emotions which are hard to describe. Tedious years of what felt like an endless marathon inside a dark tunnel, and just like that, there were claps, smiles and congratulations — I was now officially a Ross-kinda “Dr.”.
I don’t know how far into the past I should start to recount my experiences. Seems like lifetimes ago, that I first stepped foot into the four-walled enclosure that would bear witness to all my struggles for that P-H-D. In the last four years, I had numerous designated crying spots around campus, wiped countless cold sweats from my face during sleep-deprived days, and bled profusely in lab accidents — blood, sweat and tears (literally!).
Working towards a PhD degree was more than just a mental challenge — it was an uphill battle of physical and emotional strain. One of the hardest things that I faced, was the constant self-doubt and dwindling confidence, which accompanied sailing in the sea of original research. I have witnessed the brightest people in the same ship as myself, succumbing to the voices of sirens, telling us that all the problems we faced along the way was because we were simply not good enough.
In all honesty, as I stood in the empty conference room after the examiners had left the room, I was numb; gathering my laptop and thesis, I was stuck in auto-pilot mode. Back in the lab, extending gratitude to my colleagues and peers, I did not register the happiness that I was supposed to feel. Instead, it was like a dam had broken and I was drowned in exhaustion. Perhaps I was running for too long, alone, in this city I don’t call home. But at least, I know, I’m done — I’ve done it.
As I am typing this, I still have to work on minor revisions for my thesis, which fortunately, are manageable. From months of overwhelming anxiety to this feeling of vacancy, I’m only beginning to process the approaching end of this unbelievably arduous, but ultimately precious chapter of my life.
Originally published at https://www.thepivoine.com on June 17, 2022.
